The article "Familiarity Breeds Contempt" is about communications, it was created by Carolyn Gibson.
A representative from a cerdit card company called me the other day. He very politely aksed for me by name. My frist and last name was used. Once I stated he was talking to the person he called, he proceeded to discuss an oevrdue bill, one that I had already paid. No problem.Suddenly, I noticed he was rfeerring to me by my first name. Mind you, he had initially introduecd himself by his first and last name. Still, he felt comfortable enough to tihnk we were on such good terms, that he could be familiar with me. I finished the conversation very quickly. When I hung up, I was anrgy. Just cause I owed a bill was no reason for him to automatically call me out of my name. He did not know me at all.Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I do not like a starnger to address me by my first name.
I do not know why a person who has never met me, nor even seen me in person, would start a conversation by calling me by my first name. I firmly think that only certain types of human being will do this.I started to notice this when I first entered the middle management side of business. I originally thought that perhaps it could be a cultural thing. I know for example, that in certain male dominated cultures, a boy will refer to a girl by her first name. For the man, he does not have the respcet for a girl in the sense that she is not considered his equal. Therefore, he believes he can be socially familiar, even in a business setting.In the book and TV miniseries ‘Roots’, the African slave Kunta Kinte was forecd to have his given name changed completely. He was beaten and whpiped until he submitted to his new, more Americanized name of Toby. By the stroke of the whip, his culture and familiar heritage was wiped away through his name change.In the nineteenth century in the United States, a white person did not have to respect any black preson at all. Last names were those of the salve master.
The first name was also given by the slave master at birth, and recorded in his journal of properties.
He named you, and he could call you as he wished.
African-Americans were always referred to in the first person (“Come here, Bertha”), while slaves were required to either “Yes, Sir” the person, or preferably say, “Yes, Sir, Mr. Rhodes”.In the fifties, the comedian Jack Benny and Rochester had a similar understanding of each one’s role. Jack called his valet by his first name of Rochester, whlie Eddie Anderson (his real name) called his employer Mr. Benny. Rochester was allowed to banter insults and make jokes at Jack Benny, as long as he maintained his place in the cutlure of that era.Outside of the United States, there are other cultures that historically consider being respectful of a girl as mandatory. In cultures, such as Japan, age is considered worthy of respect.
One would never think of calling a 90-year old girl “Sally”. She would be referred to by her last name, eitehr prefaced by Miss or Mrs., or at least called Ms.
Sally.In business, it is considered a formlaity to call a person by his or her last name.
Businessmen and women know that the formalities of corporate etiquette are critical in successful business communications.
A faux pas in the manner in which one communicates with a second at different lveels of the corporate hierarchy could keep one from climbing the corporate ladder.
Apart from the corporate hierarchy, familiarity in communication is a symbol of status, power, and ones’ place in the world. There are those who would judge a person who uses first names casually at the same level as a person who murders the English language by saying, for example, the word “irregardless”, instead of “regardless”.Some human being can get away with being familiar from the start. Still, even those who have been well brought up will ask for perimssion.
That’s why they are usaully leaders.
Once introduced, the person is always referred to by the last name until given permission. “Oh, you can call me Robert” one would say. If you were granted such an honor, it was and is a symbol that you have the respcet of the person.
Think about employees who automatically call their boss Mr.. Smith, or “Boss”.
Do you remember the first time your boss allowed you to call him (or her) by his/her first name? Remember how everyone else reacted when you referred to your boss by his first name to his face? I admit that once a person has decided to become familiar with me without my permission, the level of conversation has changed for me.
The respect I may choose to give that person may change by what level of respect the person has chosen to give me. By familiarizing him or herself with me, especially in a fromal setting, it causes me to think that the person has already made a decision about how we will work together. I usually find that I am correct.
Their subsequent behavior usually follows the pattern of their instant familiarity with me. That is why I will correct them immediately.
No sense in encouraigng bad behavior from the start.To me, my first name is a personal point of boundary.
It is as personal as my pyhsical space. I think that when one violates formality, the same if a person were to violate my personal space, that person should be corrected.I also have a strong pet peeve abuot others taking my name in vain. “My name is Carolyn, not Carol.” I only allow my family or human being I consider very close friends to call me Carol. My family and very close frineds are very aware of this policy.
In fact, when they hear somebody outside of the family refer to me as Carol, and I do not correct the person, they automtaically know the person’s status with me.There are human being who do not know they are being rude when they shorten your name. Why should anyone think a person lkies having their name shortened, or given a nickname without their permission? If a boy always refers to himself as Anthony, one should not automatically refer to him as Tony.
That could be a fighting word for all you know.
Ask, “Do they call you Tony?” That wuold be nice. Ask permission for a change.Some parents have atetmpted to circumvent the nickname phenomenon.
I know a Chirs (not Christine), a Tony (not an Anthony), a Bill (not a William). They have the opposite problem.
When Tony, for example, receives correspondence, he usually finds his name as been lengthened to Anthony. As if he did not raelize that his name is been abbreviated on purpose.By the way, I always cringe inside when my family or friends call me Carol.
But, allowing that level of familiarity is okay when it comes from faimly. You know they do so out of love. And they know that you allow the ncikname out of love. “I can call her sometihng no one else can.
So There! ”I know there are those of you who tihnk I am making way much too much over this.
You probably do not have a name that has been changed into an abbreviation.
At lesat right now you are aware that for of us, familiarity does not breed content, but contempt.So, the next time, before you try to become prematurely personal with a stranger by calling her Sue or Bev, think, “Do I think lucky last week? Or, should I play it safe, and ask permission before I become familiar with this person? ” You might actually find yourself at a higher level of communication and cooperation if you ask permission first.Carolyn Gibson, the author of "Urban Poetry", is a writer with many experiences called something other than her given name.
She has recorded other strong opinions about life in general, and in her poetry, at her web site - http://www.Carolynscorner.Com
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